Dear Dad,
Today is the day the world recognizes the person you were in my life.
I am always met with a mixture of emotions as my social media posts are filled with people who say their Dad is the best thing ever, knowing that many don’t really feel this way and the depths of struggle and pain is intrinsically deep. So deep it affects current relationships, outlook on life, and chaos and questions of why.
Even though many of my memories are simply from pictures from my very young years…
Even though Mom lived in fear you would be inappropriate with me and did not let me be alone or be near you or kiss you goodnight on the cheek after I turned 13…
Even though you told me you never wanted me and it crushed my soul to the depths of existence and I hated you for being honest with me…
Even though you worked your ass off to financially provide for us and it was never enough…
Even though I may not be able to brag today and say you were the best Dad ever with amazing photos that show a deep Father Daughter love…
You were the Best Dad ever because YOU are mine!!!
And nobody can ever be you. Or take the place that is yours in my life. Ever.
I see the reflections of you in me. I have your traits of a deep love for intellectual conversations. I have your deep blue eyes, chin, high forehead, and dark curly hair. I have your love for details and accuracy. I have your passion for books, reading and learning.
I watched your consistency to be faithful to a relationship that did everything to tear you to pieces and destroy your soul. I saw someone kill your desire to live any longer. I observed the weight of this burden wreck havoc on your mental and emotional state. I witnessed this struggle to just survive and hibernate to shut out everything to protect the way this was making life be everything you never ever wanted in marriage.
Yet…
When you knew your life was coming to an end, you took time to write a letter to me at the risk of everything in your marriage and not knowing how I would receive it.
Though it grieves me that you lived 68 years in so much emotional pain for so many years of your life, my soul knows how therapeutic this was for you.
For me.
My hope is that, as I share my story with my circle, being a ripple effect with vulnerability, that those who see a world that hides the real truth of their relationships, and how days like today just hurt their soul, I see their pain.
They may never get what I got with a letter of apology for you never being active in my life or wanting me.
They may, like me, never have lovely photos to post of happy memories or experience being hugged and loved for the son or daughter they are.
They may burn inside with knowing feelings they never had words to express.
They may desire answers to questions to put pieces of a puzzle together.
They may long for the healing from someone else to help them move on.
The one thing I’d want them to see, to feel, and to trust is that the truth can’t be hid and that their experience is real.
Smiling photos with words of affirmation and gratitude that they don’t feel will never fill the void that is deep inside.
Some of us don’t have those stories. But we have others that are just as powerful.
I want them Dad to see that, though our story isn’t what every little girl dreams of, we both got here because we chose to live our own story. Own our own pain. Do the work on ourselves. I did not wait for you and you didn’t wait for me. We each did our part.
So today I celebrate that you were the BEST DAD for this. You didn’t let life end without clearing the slate with me and apologizing for years of pain and massive hurt.
Thank YOU Dad! I love you from the depths of my soul.
Much Love,
Strombolini
[the nickname from my Dad for those that don’t know this]
#LetterToDad #DearDad #MyDad #Dad #FathersDay #FathersDay2019 #RealLifeExamples #TheLifeOfMisty
