Ever been in a situation when someone approaches you to start a conversation and you begin your answer question, only to have their 👀 [eyes] continuously looking over your shoulder and scanning the room?
What do these actions mean?
Are they multitasking?
Are they just not listening to what you are saying? Like they only asked you a question to pass the time and don’t care to hear the response? Why would they want to talk to you if they can’t keep their focus on what you have to say?
Could it be that they are missing someone and trying to locate them? Or are they trying to find the next person to speak to?
What exactly are they thinking? Or are they thinking?
Like me, I am sure these sort of situations give you the feeling of not being that important. It makes you feel that they are not interested in talking to you. It is hurtful.
So how do you respond to a person with this type of body language? How do you handle these situations with love and grace? How does one navigate all this and not just be crushed?
One of the first steps I do is to ask myself: Do I do this very thing I find to be a pet peeve and am perturbed with? Is this person mirroring something I don’t like and it’s letting me see what it feels like?
This is a simple yes or no. I use the answer to be feedback to adjust how I am feeling in the moment as much as needed, giving grace as applicable to me and them.
Then, I ask myself, does this person do this every time I’m with them, or is this a one time occurrence?
I’ve had times when someone was doing this because they needed to find someone. That’s when I say, you appear to be looking for someone, can I help you locate them? If they say yes, then it was a true need. If they apologize, come back to the conversation and you pick up where you left off and turn it into a great conversation, then great, the message was received and the mission was accomplished as you helped them regain consciousness into the conversation!
If they come back to the conversation and wander again, than I finish up my response and simply start asking them questions. 99% of the time they will walk away because they weren’t even paying attention to the fact you asked a question, they just heard you quit talking and they are done. This will reveal that they were not interested in dialogue and having a conversation. Either way, the true colors of their heart are exposed. This allows me remove myself from the conversation and not just be the next move of their game. I let them go because these aren’t people I want to have deep connected conversations with in my circle.
However, another element to consider is that they are just showing you their deep-rooted insecurities or fears that they have. The deep-rooted insecurities, could be not feeling good enough. Or they may have extreme fear or pressures that they are dealing with in the moment and it is causing them to be someone they really are not. It could also be a codependency of always having to look good or be around certain people and so they are always trying to find “their crowd”.
We all are always showing who we are, in the moment, every day. This can be transcended at any point in time we desire to. If you or I find ourselves in this position, we can apologize, shift and turn our attention back to the conversation.
Another element to consider is what is the venue?
These types of interactions are very common in networking spheres. It is one reason I am not very fond of them. People are not able to maximize these opportunities with an open mind and navigate engagement one on one and connect with a crowd. It also happens at weddings when families gather together and many can’t wait to see everyone and the excitement is high. Remembering what kind of an event you are at sometimes can help bridge the gap as to why it is hard to have engaging deep conversations in these settings.
Lastly, being patient and kind solves all of this on it’s own. Besides the fact that giving the benefit of the doubt at the start helps resolve my own expectations and frustrations. Being intentional in my relationships and communication gives it the energy that I want it to have. Taking a deep breath and even saying, you seem to be really distracted, would you like to pick this conversation up later? It allows them to see that you saw they were so distracted and it bothered you without being impatient or unkind. It will allow them to have the choice and focus on what their true intention is. They have the opportunity to connect or disconnect. But either way, I promise you, it won’t happen again because they won’t be able to help but remember how you showed up. So either way, it is a WIN WIN! 😉
The deeper challenge I find is that in many of these situations it is easy to get triggered and just want to say heck with it and walk away. Yet if I am confident in my relationship skills and ability to communicate, I can navigate the conversation in a way that brings connection, not disconnection. Ultimately, I let them decide how they want to show up in the conversation. This doesn’t mean sometimes it doesn’t hurt really deep when we were hoping to have a fabulous conversation with them and they don’t respond the way we desire them to.
Geez, I am human too. I love friends! I love great conversation. Yet, I deeply hate rejection. When I feel that they have lost interest in the conversation it is easy to take it personal. Learning to let this person be themselves and give them space to show up as they want to takes work. But it can be done. It helps to remember that I have not always been as connected as I want to be in conversations.
How do you navigate these relationship and communication challenges? Share a technique with me below! I love to learn new ways to improve my circle.
